Friday, May 29, 2020

Friday Fanfic

Buffy the Dragon Slayer

(An obvious continuation of last week's story.)

Chapter Six

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Buffy. "I'm gonna have to fight a dragon."

"Of course you're going to have to fight a dragon," said Laurel. "You knew that all along."

"No, you don't understand," said Buffy. "I'm going to have to fight a dragon right now. In the rain. Without my magic lotion."

Laurel replied, "Well, perhaps if we dab on the magic lotion extra thick and you kill the dragon in a hurry..."

"You can't kill a dragon in a hurry," said Buffy. "I've tried. Killing a dragon is a long and exhausting process. And I'll be doing so with half my protection washed away and doing so with a giant fire-breathing reptile that need only breathe on me to turn me to ashes. Oh my God, Laurel! What am I supposed to do?"

"Be brave, Buffy," said Laurel, trying hard to sound supportive.

"No, you be brave, Laurel," said Buffy. "Better yet you kill the dragon. I'll wait right here till you get back."

"Buffy," said Sir Roderick, "all this barking at Laurel isn't being particularly helpful. Someone in this village has to fight this dragon or else many, many people here are going to die. And unfortunately, you're the best qualified of the three of us to do so."

"But I can't help anyone if I'm in flames," said Buffy. "Please don't make me go out there. Please!"

"I would love to be able to comply with your request, Buffy," said Sir Roderick. "After all, I don't want you to die either. But my duty requires me to make you do your duty."

"Perhaps I can help," said a soft voice from the back of the dining room.

To be continued...

From whom does Buffy get help?

A. A witch?

B. A wizard?

C. A vampire?

Friday, May 22, 2020

Friday Fanfic

Buffy the Dragon Slayer

(An obvious continuation of last week's story.)

Chapter Five

For the next few hours, Buffy lost herself in the minstrel's music, not really caring that much about her evening meal even though Laurel practically had to spoon feed Buffy her dinner just to make sure she ate something.

Her favorite tune for some strange reason, was an odd little ditty that began with a wolf howl and a few notes from a church organ. How the minstrel managed to duplicate these sounds, Buffy had no idea, but the rest of the ditty was so easy to listen to that Buffy had a hard time keeping it out of her head afterwards.

Of course, Buffy wasn't the only person the minstrel Australis played for. Every so often, the innkeeper's wife Anastasia would request a song about rabbits for some strange reason. And Laurel would request a ton of songs Buffy had never heard of including one about a magic love potion and another one called "I Kissed a Girl." (Most definitely a guy song, Buffy thought, though for some odd reason, Australis did not sing it that way.)

Sir Roderick did not request a thing, choosing to stay silent while his Slayer enjoyed the music.

Buffy thought no more about anything apart from music until halfway through her dinner when she heard a roar of thunder.

"Funny," said Laurel. "I saw no lightning outside when I heard that bolt of thunder."

"Why would you find that funny?" said Buffy.

"Because thunder is always accompanied by lightning," said Laurel. "Unless it's something else we heard."

"Like what?"

Just then a beautiful brunette in a flowery dress showed up at the entrance of the inn's dining room.

"What is it, Baile?" said Anastasia.

"Come quick," said the woman called Baile. "The local bookshop is on fire."

"On fire?" asked Leandro the innkeeper. "You mean --"

"That's right, Leandro," said Baile. "The dragon is attacking our village. And by the way, Australis... As long as I'm here, could you play that song about provincial life? Because I just love that tune."

To be continued...

Friday, May 15, 2020

Friday Fanfic

Buffy the Dragon Slayer

(An obvious continuation of last week's story.)

Chapter Four

Part One

"Welcome to the Violet Moon," said the one-eyed innkeeper as Sir Roderick, Buffy and Laurel entered the local inn. "My name is Leandro Harris and this is my wife Anastasia. I hope you all enjoy your stay in my fine establishment as long as you're in town."

"And feel free to hunt most of the local wildlife while you're here," said Anastasia, a short blonde-haired girl who was just a shade taller than Buffy. "Especially the local rabbits."

"Er, Ana," said Leandro. "We talked about this. Not every guest we get is here to hunt rabbits."

"But they should be," said Anastasia. "Those rabbits are becoming quite a menace. I mean, it's not like they're so cute like everybody supposes. They got those hoppy legs and twitchy little noses. And what's with all the carrots? Why do they need such good eyesight for, anyway?"

"Actually," said Sir Roderick, "we're here to slay a dragon."

"I don't see why you're here to do that," said Anastasia. "It's not like a dragon ever stole anything from my vegetable garden. Rabbits, on the other hand --"

"Enough with the rabbits, Ana," said Leandro. "Why don't you go check on the kitchen staff? I expect our guests will be quite hungry after they unpack their stuff."

Anastasia just sighed and walked off in a direction that seemed to lead toward a kitchen.

Buffy just looked around and said, "Is there really a dragon around here?"

"Why, yes, there is," said Leandro.

"But he wouldn't attack in the middle of a rainstorm, would he?" asked Buffy.

"I don't think so," said Leandro. "Please don't tell me that a brave dragonslayer like yourself is afraid of a little rain."

"Well, actually..." said Buffy.

Just then Anastasia returned. "Dinner is almost ready. I trust you all have changed your mind about hunting rabbits."

"Leave them alone, Ana," said Leandro. "It's not lucky to harass a dragon slayer and her staff."

"Staff?" asked Sir Roderick. "You mean you think we're her servants?"

"Well, aren't you?" said Anastasia. "After all, she does all the work. Granted, it must be exhausting for her to be always stripping down in the center of a village and pulling a sword out of her womb but still -- "

"You think I do what?" asked Buffy. "Where did you get the idea that I do anything like that?"

"That's what all the stories say," said Anastasia with a shrug.

"Well, the stories are wrong," said Buffy.

Part Two

"Look at all the people, Stake!" said Messalina as she watched the new arrivals at the Violet Moon from the safety of the second floor. "Why do you suppose they're all here?"

"Not to hunt bloody rabbits, that's for certain!" said Stake, still missing the days when he wore a black toga -- though the black leather coat he currently wore was no mean substitute. "My guess would be that they're all here to kill the local dragon."

"Aww!" said Messalina. "I kinda liked that dragon. It always looks so cute when it chases the local villagers. So which one do you think is the Slayer?"

"My guess would be the blonde," said Stake.

"Oh, right," said Messalina. "You like blondes, don't you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Stake.

"Why don't you think it's the redhead?" asked Messalina.

"Because that girl is obviously Jewish and the Watchers Council rarely uses Jewish girls as their Slayers," said Stake. "Not even half-Jewish girls."

"I knew a Jewish girl once," said Messalina. "I used to meet her outside the convent where I was preparing to be a nun. For the longest time, she was my only friend and we got along way better than I ever got along with any of the other would-be nuns. So naturally after Damon gave me the Dark Gift, she was the first girl that I killed."

At this point, Messalina's eyes went vacant and Stake could not tell whether she was reliving a happy memory or a not so happy memory. Not that it mattered much with Mess.

"Oh, Damon again," said Stake. "I thought you moved on from him."

"Well, he is a hard person to get over," said Messalina. "First he killed my friends, then he killed my family, then he killed all the other nuns, then he killed their friends and families and finally he killed me. But then the Gypsies cursed him and gave him back his soul so I guess that showed him."

"Anyway, it looks like it's going to rain outside so it's not likely she'll be fighting the dragon tonight," said Stake.

"You really think so?" said Messalina. "Because I saw a Slayer fight a dragon during a rainstorm once. She was a blackamoor. What was her name? Oh, yes... Niccola Wood. She was such a pretty thing."

At this point Messalina's eyes went vacant again. "She also had a lovely voice. She screamed so beautifully when she went up in flames. I don't suppose history is likely to repeat itself, is it?"

Part Three

As Buffy, Laurel and Sir Roderick entered the Violet Moon, they were enticed by the sound of a lute playing in a nearby room.

"Oh, cool," said Laurel. "They have a minstrel."

"Not just a minstrel," said Anastasia. "We have the great Australis, Aus for short. He plays here all the time -- except for nights of the full moon. For some reason, we can never get him to work on those nights."

Buffy could not help drifting in the direction of the music. She did not hear such music too often in her line of work and given all her current worries, she welcomed the chance to drown herself in the work of a master minstrel.

At least she did until she realized what she was listening to.

"Eighty men died and eighty men fried!" sang the minstrel. "Now their ashes are buried on the countryside. Ten, twenty, fifty or more. The bloody red dragon kept rolling up the score. Eighty men died trying to kill that freak. The bloody red dragon of Coven -- "

"You're playing that song?!" exclaimed Buffy.

"Hey!" said the redheaded minstrel who called himself Australis. "What's wrong with that song? I get more requests for that tune than for any other song that I play."

"'Rover vs. the Red Dragon' is not the type of song I want to listen to tonight," said Buffy.

"Why not?" asked Australis. "Don't you like songs about dragon slayers?"

"Hello," said Buffy. "I am a dragon slayer. But that song about some dog fighting a dragon -- "

"Hey!" exclaimed Australis. "For all you know, it might have actually happened that way."

"But it didn't," said Buffy.

"Well, at least folks around here find it entertaining," said Australis.

"Folks around here aren't going to be fighting a dragon tomorrow," said Buffy. "Don't you have any tunes that aren't dragon-related?"

"I'm guessing 'Sympathy for the Dragon' and 'Pfft the Magic Dragon' are out of the question," said Australis.

"Yes, they are," said Buffy.

"In that case, let's see... 'Play with Fire', 'Light My Fire', 'Ring of Fire', 'I'm on Fire', 'We Didn't Start the Fir --'"

"Don't you have any songs that aren't fire-related?" asked Buffy.

"Sure," said Australis. "'Momma I Just Killed a Man'."

"No," said Buffy. "I mean something's that more upbeat."

"Well, there's always the classic tune 'Here We Are Now, Entertain Us'," said Australis.

"That sounds cheerful," said Buffy. "Play that one."

To be continued...

Friday, May 8, 2020

Friday Fanfic

Buffy the Dragon Slayer

(An obvious continuation of last week's story.)

Chapter Three

"Oh my God, Sir Roderick!" cried Buffy. "Laurel's right. It is going to rain."

"It's okay, Elizabeth," said Sir Roderick. "You still have your scarf. You can wear that over your hair until we get a chance to get inside."

"I'm not worried about my hair, you ninny!" said Buffy. "And I told you before, it's Buffy, not Elizabeth. Only my mother can get away with calling me Elizabeth. Everyone else has to call me Buffy."

"Well, Buffy, if you're not worried about your hair, then why do you care so much whether or not it's going to rain?" asked Sir Roderick. "It doesn't look like it will be a particularly bad storm."

"Because I'm probably going to have to fight a dragon soon and I can't do that if the rain keeps washing off the magic lotion on my body," said Buffy.

"Oh, right," said Sir Roderick. "I hadn't considered that."

"Perhaps we can mix the lotion with something the rain can't wash off that easily," said Laurel. "Like chicken grease."

"Oh, great!" said Buffy. "The one thing that's going to keep me alive during the dragon fight and you want to risk diluting it with something as flammable as chicken grease. Why not throw me on a bonfire, why don't you?"

"Buffy, there's no point in attacking Laurel just because you don't like her ideas," said Sir Roderick. "She's only trying to help."

"Yes, she's trying," said Buffy. "Very trying."

"Buffy's just upset about this whole imminent death thing," said Laurel. "That surprises me because I read somewhere that all Slayers have a death wish. That death is their gift or their present or else something that looks really good when you see it all wrapped up but once you remove the ribbons and the bows and the paper -- "

"Laurel!" cried Buffy. "Not helping!"

"Well, we're not far from the village where we're supposed to be and there's an inn up ahead," said Sir Roderick. "Why don't we go over there, tie up the animals, and then make preparations for the dragon fight while we wait for the rain to blow over?"

"But how are we supposed to -- " Buffy started to say.

Sir Roderick interrupted. "One problem at a time. First, let's find the stable. Then we'll go inside the inn and discuss this matter. Normally we'd need to prepare for the fight anyway so we might as well do it this way."

"Well, I hope you come up with a solution, Sir Roderick," said Laurel, "because I'd sure hate to lose Buffy and besides, I don't look all that good in black."

"Laurel!" cried Buffy. "Again, not helping!"

To be continued...

Friday, May 1, 2020

Friday Fanfic

Buffy the Dragon Slayer

(An obvious continuation of last week's story.)

Chapter Two

"Speaking of chosen ones..." said Buffy.

"I wouldn't finish that particular sentence if I were you, Buffy," said Laurel. "After all, you are going to need someone to help put you put on the Achilles lotion before every dragon fight and it's in your best interest that that person be female, especially since there are certain female body parts that men are often reluctant to touch, particularly around that special time of the month. You've been lucky so far and with me on your side, you'll be luckier still. But you don't want to give me an incentive to forget certain body parts when I do my job, do you, Buffy?"

"Um, no," said Buffy. "Okay. Let's start over. Hi, I'm Buffy."

"Hi, I'm Laurel," said Laurel.

"Hi, Laurel," said Buffy. "Please forgive me for asking this but whatever made you decide to go into this line of work?"

"Hey, I want to fight evil too," said Laurel. "You can't imagine how often my people have had their homes and villages burned."

"Wow!" said Buffy. "They get attacked by dragons that often?"

Laurel chose to stay silent.

"Well, I guess we should be on my way," said Sir Roderick. "I'll go get my horse and you and Laurel ride the mule."

"Why can't we ride the horse and you ride the mule?" asked Buffy.

"Buffy, we've been through this before," said Sir Roderick. "It's because it's my horse."

"Well, as long as there's a logical reason," said Laurel. "At least it beats walking. Let's get started."

xxx

"So what does it feel like to fight a dragon naked?" asked Laurel as she and Buffy rode through the forest.

"Can you please stop asking that question, Laurel?" asked Buffy. "It's embarrassing."

"As embarrassing as having to take your clothes off in public and then fight a dragon?" asked Laurel. "Because that's what you do."

"Actually I don't take them off in public," said Buffy. "I take them off in private and then I go fight the dragon. Plus I have to put on the magic lotion -- or as you and Sir Roderick like to call it, the 'Achilles lotion' -- after I take my clothes off. After all, I may be many things thanks to my Slayer skills but I'm not magically fireproof."

"Well, would this magic lotion work on anyone?" asked Laurel. "Even me?"

"I don't know," said Buffy. "As far as I know, it only works on chosen ones. Sir Roderick has told me that others have tried it -- mainly men -- but for some reason, it never worked on them. I'm just lucky it works on me."

"What if you had to fight a dragon while you weren't wearing the lotion?" asked Laurel.

"Then I'd be in trouble," said Buffy. "But fortunately, that will never happen. The Watchers Council keeps a big supply of it on hand and it never lets Slayers like me go anywhere without it. Why do you ask?"

"Because we're not too far away from the village where the dragon is supposed to be at," said Laurel, "and it looks like it's about to rain."

To be continued...