Cuento de Mi Id

“Monica”

Monica discarded her clothes on the lake shore because she was certain that she would never use them again. She could have discarded them on the beach at Padre but that would have attracted attention -- and attention was the one thing she did not want at this point. So she discarded them on the other side of this lonely old lake -- and was pleased to note that there was no one around to notice.

Of course, that had been her whole problem all along -- there was never anyone around to notice anything she did. For a long while, she used to fantasize about blowing her head off with a shotgun, just to get their attention. But she was past that point now. And anyway, the last thing she welcomed at this point was attention -- because if nothing else, it might lead to interference. And Monica did not feel like being interfered with.

She took one last glance at the woods around the lake as if suspecting unseen voyeurs and then she laughed at herself. There was no one out here. And even if there was, so what? She had already made up her mind about what she was going to do. So there.

She noticed with faint humor that her wristwatch was still on. It had been a present from her mother -- one of the few presents from her that Monica wore on a regular basis. She took it off and placed it within a discarded shoe.

Then she took one last look at the woods, crossed herself and stepped into the lake.

Funny how old habits die hard, she thought. She hadn't been to Mass in ages and yet she still felt compelled to offer a quick prayer to the Virgin Mary as she stepped into the water. After all, this was the last time she would ever go into the water. If ever she could use a prayer, it would be now. And yet the thought of prayer made her feel like a hypocrite. After all, the Virgin Mary couldn't very well forgive her for what she was about to do. Not even God could do that. Indeed, as a Catholic, Monica knew quite well that what she was preparing to do was one of the worst deeds any true Catholic could ever commit. Yet that did not stop her.

For she wanted to die. And if dying meant burning in Hell for all eternity, so be it. It couldn't be any worse than the present hell she had ever lived here on Earth. Nor could it be any worse than the hell that awaited her ever since her blood test had turned up HIV-positive. Just one time was all it had taken. And it wasn't even all that good a time either. At least, not for her. And now she was paying for it. But not in the way that the Good Lord had intended.

She was approaching the center of the lake now. Her feet could no longer touch the bottom. She started to dog-paddle, then she laughed at herself. Was she deliberately trying to stay afloat? Why not? Maybe if she made it across the lake, she'd find a reason for living. Not likely though. All through high school she had had a lousy social life due to her excess weight and nerdish reputation. Then the one time a boy finally noticed her, this happened!

No more, she thought. From now on, Monica De Sola was her own person.

She dog paddled for a while, and then she started to thread water. Her limbs were getting tired, but still she continued.

She was never going to make it across the lake at this rate, she thought. She realized that now. But then she had never expected to. Perhaps it might have been quicker just to grab Papa's old service revolver and blow her brains out. But this way had seemed more poetic. And scandalous.

She hoped that it would provoke a big scandal. That would serve them right for ignoring her. Of course, if she had been more daring, she could have done the same thing at the city reservoir. But she had not wanted to be noticed. Not yet. Not until it was all over.

And she had a feeling that it was all going to be over real soon...

Three hours after Monica De Sola sank into the center of the lake, a woman emerged upon the west shore wearing only her birthday suit. She glanced at the clothes Monica had left discarded there and then she hesitantly tried them on. The pants were far too baggy and the bra too tight but other than that, they were a perfect fit.

She glanced down at herself for a moment and then she smiled as if she was pleased with what she had seen. Then she remembered the wristwatch which she had dumped out on the ground when she had tried on Monica's shoes. She picked it up, looked at it, and then threw it into the lake.

She then walked into the woods. She was certain that there was a car somewhere close by, and where there was a car, there had to be a road and maybe -- just maybe -- civilization.

She hoped there was. For some reason, she felt as hungry as hell.